The Top Ten Ways to Fail as an Alchemist
by KarmaHope
Summary: There aren't that many ways to fail as an alchemist. Okay, there are, but that's beside the point. However, some ways are stupider than others, ways that would make even Fuhrer Bradley facepalm. Things that shouldn't have happened, but somehow- DID . . .
1. Transmute a Cactus Without a Circle

_Okay, while I'm working my butt off on my other story, _In Truth, None of It Was Fiction_, I've decided to do a series of brief one-shots._

_This is an idea that I've actually had in my head for a while, but until now, it was just a list. Nothing more. Buuut, I've decided to turn it into a fanfiction for all you people out there._

_This is KarmaHope, introducing: __**The Top Ten Ways to Fail as an Alchemist**_

_I guess it's gonna be sorta crackfic-y, but not too much? Maybe? I dunno. I'm just gonna write it._

_Feel free to make suggestions as to other ways an alchemist can fail! I've only got four so far, so I'm gonna need some help!_

-o_o-

**1) Transmute a Cactus- **_**Without**_** a Transmutation Circle**

It was high noon in the middle of summer and, for some reason, Edward and Alphonse Elric were traipsing through the middle of the desert.

"Al," Edward whined, "Why did we choose _now_ to go and visit Liore?"

"Don't ask me brother," was the unsympathetic answer, "You were the one who made the decision!"

The alchemists walked on in silence. The sand was hot, the sun was hot, the air was hot- everything was just hot, hot, hot!

There was nothing in sight for miles. Just endless expanses of burning yellow sand. A small lizard scurried by the boys' feet, but the two weary travelers paid no attention to it. Unhindered, it continued on its way.

Ed and Al kept walking for what seemed like hours. "I hate deserts," was the often-muttered refrain that emerged from the elder boy's mouth.

"I agre-" suddenly, Al's voice was cut short.

"Al?" Ed quickly looked around him. "Al!" _Where could he have gone?_

"Brother!" came the muffled response, "Down here!"

Edward facepalmed. "Again? This happened last time we were doing something like this!"

"I know!" Alphonse yelled back up to his brother, "Can you just get me out of here, please?"

Twenty minutes later, both of them were once again on the surface of the sand. After Al had been emptied, they continued on their journey.

_One hour later . . ._

Edward was dragging his feet, nearly bent over double. "Thirsty," he muttered.

Al looked at his brother in concern. When things had gotten this bad the last time, at least they had already been in Liore. This time, they were still stranded out in the middle of the scorching sun.

Suddenly, his eyes caught something. "Hey, brother! What's that?" he asked, pointing.

"What's what?" Ed questioned blearily, squinting in the direction that his younger brother was pointing. At first, he couldn't see anything. Then gradually, he could make out a dark blob on the horizon.

"I dunno," he told his brother. "Maybe we should get a closer look."

As they turned course to head towards it, Alphonse cried out, "It looks like a person waving!"

"Person?" Ed's head shot up. "If there's a person, then maybe he has- WATER!"

His weariness forgotten Ed sprinted towards the human-like figure. "!"

When he got within ten feet, he screeched to a halt. "AL!" he called back over his shoulder, "It isn't a person! It's a weird green thing!"

He waited as Alphonse caught up.

"Oh! It's a cactus!" the younger Elric exclaimed.

"What good is that?" the older Elric complained.

"Brother, cacti are mostly water!"

"Mostly . . . water . . ." Ed got an evil grin on his face. "Watch out Al, I'm gonna feel a whole lot better after this!" With that, he clapped his hands, preparing for a transmutation.

"Wait, no! Brother! Cactuses have-"

Too late. Edward sprinted the remaining ten feet towards the tall green desert plant. His hands were outstretched, eagerly awaiting.

"-spines . . ." Al finished weakly. "Too late."

"OOOOWWWWWWW! What the hell!"

The younger Elric walked up to where his brother was impaled on the spiny plant.

"I tried to warn you, brother," he told his impetuous sibling, "But you didn't listen."

"I don't give a damn!" Ed yelled, "Just get me offa this thing!"

Alphonse merely shook his head, doing as his brother had requested. _Will he ever learn?_ He wondered.

**After that incident, Edward would always shy away from anything that resembled a tall, green plant. Envy always wondered why . . .**

-o_o-

_Soooo . . . moral of this story? Don't attempt to transmute cacti without a circle. Oh, and that I am completely bored during Social Studies class. (Not that that's why I came up with this idea or anything . . . *looks to one side and whistles*_

_Ah, well. Up next- an incident with Red Water . . . _


	2. Mistake Red Water for Red Wine

_Wow. Brand-new story, 58 visitors already. I love you guys! Although only three of you reviewed . . ._

_Anyhow, moving onto fail number two._

_If you like this, you might want to look at my other fic- __**In Truth, None of it Was Fiction**__._

_That's all. Moving on!_

-o_o-

**2) Mistake Red Water for Red Wine . . . and Drink it**

_In the tiny town of Xenotime:_

"Brother, I don' think doing this again is a good idea!" Alphonse cautioned his reckless older brother.

"Nonsense, Al! That's exactly why we're doing it!" Edward told him, peering around the corner of the old brick building.

_That isn't exactly comforting,_ Al thought dryly.

They were trying to sneak into the workplace of the fake Elric brothers once again. Ed had ignored the fact that they had easily been kicked out the first time, and had dragged Al back once again to try to infiltrate the place. It was easier said than done.

A small _clang_ rang out clearly into the crisp night air as Al shifted. He was quickly told off with a loud "Shhhh!" from his brother.

_You put on a seven-foot suit of armor and try to be silent,_ he mentally grumbled, _It isn't as easy as one might think!_

Ed clapped his hands and made to transmute a hole in the wall, but Al quickly stopped him.

"Idiot! Brother, transmutations make light! We'd get caught even faster than last time!"

"Oh, right," Edward said dumbly. "Okay, fine. Follow me!"

_Clang, clang, clang, clang,_ went Al's armor as he ran after his brother. If the fake Elrics' mansion hadn't been so far removed from the town, he thought he would've woken everyone up! As it was, he had probably already alerted the fake Elrics to their presence . . .

The two stopped at the front door.

"Okay, Al. Here's the plan. I'll climb in through one of the windows, and you can wait out here for the signal. When I give the signal you-" Ed was cut off short. "What are you doing?"

Alphonse had moved forward, placing one hand on the doorknob to the mansion. Tentatively, he turned it. Feeling no resistance, he pushed gently on the door, which swung open.

"We could just try the front door," he suggested.

" . . . Or we could just try the front door," Edward lamented sheepishly as he followed his brother inside.

The two made their way up to the fake Elrics' workroom without encountering anybody. To their surprise, a small tea table had been set in the middle of the room, accompanied by two chairs.

"Brother?" Al asked, "I don't like this . . ."

Ed walked further into the room. When he got closer, he could see that there was a bottle on the table as well as two glasses.

"Al, look! I think that they were just having a drink!" he exclaimed, pointing to the setup.

_I don't trust this_, Al thought. He watched as his brother poured a red liquid out of the bottle and into one of the glasses.

"It looks like red wine!"

"Brother, I don't think it's-"

Alphonse looked on in horror as Ed took a small sip from the glass. He wrinkled his nose, coughing.

"I don't think I like alcohol all that much."

"Brother! Have you forgotten what these people's research is about?"

"Well, yeah! It's red . . . water . . ." he looked at the small glass in horror. "You mean to say-"

He couldn't finish his sentence as another coughing fit hit him. And another. And another. He dropped the glass to the floor, where it shattered. He began gasping for breath. His eyes widened, before rolling to the back of his head as he passed out.

"Brother! Are you dead? Please don't be dead!" he exclaimed. He was relieved when he heard small, rasping breaths coming from his brother.

"Gleepbor . . . Flaphingoid . . ." Ed mumbled breathily. "Allash . . . klarmyn dallash . . ."

"Oh, thank God," Alphonse said, although puzzled at the gibberish that his brother had answered him with. He would be okay.

-o_o-

Meanwhile, outside the door, there were two very unhappy identity thieves.

"Damn!" Russell Tringham swore softly, "If only he had drunk more! Then we could truly be the Elric brothers!"

"But . . . Alphonse didn't drink any, so it would still be a lost cause," Fletcher pointed out. "Face it, brother. Assassination attempts just aren't the way to go, _and_ we just wasted a bunch of red water!"

"Shut up!" the elder Tringham snapped. "I'm still mourning my failure here!"

"Your loss. I didn't have anything to do with this idea," Fletcher told his older brother. "That makes Me: 1, You: 0."

"Don't rub it in," Russell said sullenly.

**After recovering, whenever someone offered Edward a glass of red wine, he vigorously denied the offer and watched warily as everyone else drank. He was often labeled a creeper at many parties . . . but only behind his back.**

-o _o-

_I don't know if this one is as funny as the other one, but still . . . it's kinda an epic fail. Originally, I was gonna have Ed die . . . but I wasn't really heartless enough to do that . . ._

_Next up is number three, dealing with . . . one-ton weights._

_Reviews keep me going. If people don't review, then I think people don't like, therefore updates are few and far between._

_Sayonara!_


	3. Transmute Soul into a One Ton Weight

_Fail number three! Yay! (Is it wrong to say yay when people fail?)_

_I realized that I had it backwards- Ed lost his leg first. Sorry . . . I fixed it . . ._

_Anyhow, thanks for all the reviews. They mean a lot to me. So, let's get started, shall we?_

_If this is a bit more crack-ficky than the last two chapters, it's because I'm writing this at 2:26 a.m. and am a wee bit tired! But that'll make it funny, right?_

_At some point, if you want me too, I'll post a more serious version of this chapter that fits the style of the others so far . . ._

-o_o-

**3) Transmute Your Brother's Soul into a One-Ton Weight**

_**A.K.A. The Human Transmutation Rant at 2:30 in the Morning**_

_Edward- 11 Alphonse- 10_

The two boys without a mother . . . too bad, so sad. :'(

Aaanyways, they had made up their minds to bring her back from the dead. At first, Alphonse was afraid of zombies. Resurrection, the living dead, they kinda all go hand in hand. But naaawwww, there was no such thing, right?

At least, that's what Edward told him. He _was_ the older brother, so of _course_ Al trusted every single word he said . . .

So. They had spent the majority of the last few years/months/days/whatever studying the theory of human transmutation. (uuuuhhhm, what? Why does the name of such an ominous thing like that _rhyme_? Don't ask _me_. Ask _them_. Don't ask _me_ who _them_ is either. I don't know.) Basically, human transmutation was this great giant rhyming thing that defied the laws of nature and could bring dead people back to life. Namely, something that would greatly interest a pair of young boys with a dead mother.

So young Ed and Al went through all their run-away-from-home father's (these guys had _best_ childhood, didn't they?) papers and thought _wow! This is really cool! There's no way we can go wrong with this! We won't get hurt at all, and we'll get our mother back! YAY!_

So they spent years studying that, yada, yada, yada (that must've really sucked). And then they think _Yeah! Let's do this thing!_

So they dump a bunch of ingredients in the middle of a complex circle that no ten-or-eleven year old kid should be able to draw so damn _perfectly_. They supposedly make a human, but at that moment it just looked like a pile of mud . . .

So they add blood! (Ooh! Look! Another rhyme!) Ouch . . . that must've hurt.

Not only do they cut themselves (bad habit to get into, kids! They should probably see a counselor about that), they then slap their hands on the dirty, filthy ground without putting a Band-Aid on first! Have they not heard about something called infection? _(A/N- I'm sitting here right now, completely not believing that I'm actually writing this . . . ah, well. Onward, march!)_

So . . . they slap their hands down on the ground, which probably stung a bit. And then there were all these pretty lights! And they're like- _wooaaaah. Pretty_. The light was all yellow and white and shiny!

But then the light turned purple (which isn't a completely bad color, but still kinda ominous). And black (wait- aren't black lights purple? I'm confuzzled!). And they weren't so pretty anymore. Aaaawww.

AND THEN THE LIGHT TOOK AL! First of all, light doesn't have substance, so it can't grab anyone, right? Wrong. I just said it took Al. _Reread_, people!

Ed reached for Al, and finds that his left leg was stolen as well. What does the light want to do with Ed's leg? He's already got a body (courtesy of Al)!

And then Ed's falling, falling, falling, and it's like, _psychedelic! _All the lights and information and whatnot! Until whatever it is spits Ed out into a mass of whiteness.

There's no floor. There's no walls. _Where the hell was he?_ The answer was basically nowhere, and everywhere, which makes absolutely no effing sense whatsoever! But moving on . . .

There was a white guy (no, I'm not being racist. There was actually a _white _guy.). Who had Ed's peachy-colored arm (why's skin colored like that anyways?). Basically the weird, creeperish white guy told Ed he broke a taboo and whatever, blahdy blahdy blah let's move on.

Ed gets back to the real world (sans his leg) and finds that AL'S STILL MISSING!

Since it was dark, he really didn't know where anything was. So, he dipped his finger in blood and drew a Blood Seal (wow- a lot of thought really went into that one. A seal of blood. A blood seal. _No duh!_) on whatever he first touched . . .

Causing him to lose an arm to the weird white guy who already had his leg. (What's with that guy and body parts?)

When he gets back _again_, it's still dark out. Maybe he passed out, maybe he didn't. In the morning, when it was light enough to see, and Ed hadn't yet died of blood loss (if he had, then this series would've been bust and I wouldn't be writing this right now, would I?), he looked over to see what he had attached his brother's soul into.

"Damn." (Ed- you're eleven. Lay off the language!)

Of all the pure irony (haha. Ha. Ha. _Iron_y.), he had attached his brother to a one-ton weight. Two questions ran through his head.

Number one: What the hell was he gonna do with a brother who weighed a ton (literally)?

Number two: Why the hell did his dad have a one-ton weight in his office in the first place?

Oh, and one more thing: Ed found that he was wrong. Zombies did, in fact, exist. And they freaked him out to no end. He would have nightmares for years. Literally.

**The one benefit of this endeavor: Edward was **_**EXTREMELY**_** strong by the time they got their bodies back.**

-o_o-

_I am PRETTY sure that I just destroyed any sense of dignity I had as a fanfiction author . . . oh, well. Not much I can do about it now . . ._

_Eh, I'll write a more serious version of this at some point. Until then, the next theme is TURTLES!_

_Sayonara._

_P.S. I'm kinda scared for the fact that this is the longest chapter in this story so far . . . O.O_


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